


Little Sorrows (Sit and Weep)

by backatpatrickpark



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Complicated Relationships, Episode: s03e16 The Southern Raiders, Ficlet, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Sibling Relationships are always complicated, There's a lot of eldest siblings syndrome in this one guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:48:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26142868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/backatpatrickpark/pseuds/backatpatrickpark
Summary: It was a strange thing, all these kids that he’d hurt, comforting him with murmured well-wishes for his homicidal sister. But then, his life seemed to be nothing but strange things lately.---In which Zuko wonders if he's failed his sister.
Relationships: Sokka & Zuko (Avatar), The Gaang & Zuko (Avatar), Zuko & Azula (Avatar)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 128





	Little Sorrows (Sit and Weep)

**Author's Note:**

> I've been projecting on Zuko since I was 4 and I don't plan to stop soon!! This takes place at the start of Southern Raiders but obviously I've postponed the field trip to make room for some Healing Moments.  
> Title's from Blake's Cradle Song.

There had been an instant, as he watched his sister tumbling down into the canyon, where Zuko had felt himself seize up with grief and regret. The feeling passed as quickly as it’d come, settling into resentment when she managed to get a hold on the cliff. He’d kept his eyes on Azula until she’d faded into the distance. Even after they’d been prepared to kill each other, _again_ , some small part of him had to make sure she was safe.

That night, clustered around the campfire with his new friends, the feeling was almost forgotten. When they toasted to him, though, his stomach tightened with guilt once more, and he murmured his disagreement. 

“Aw, don’t be so humble, Zuko!” Aang said cheerily, slapping him on the back for good measure. “You really helped us out back there!”

“I’m not being _humble_. It's my fault she showed up.” His voice was heavy with shame, even more so than usual.

The reactions were instantaneous. Through a mouthful of jerky, Sokka gave a curious hum at the same time that Aang cried, “No, that wasn’t your fault!” and Katara agreed, “Yeah, probably is!” with false brightness. Suki said nothing, but confusion and curiosity were apparent on her face. Zuko could barely stand to look at them; he hung his head and kept his eyes on his boots.

The conversation almost ended there- the last thing any of them wanted right now was a Capital-T-Talk- but Toph was never one to let things go unsaid. “How do you mean?” she asked, drawing up a small earth bench to sit beside him.

“Azula’s my little sister. If I had looked out for her like I was supposed to, she wouldn’t be such a danger, to you guys or to herself.”

“Pfff, come on!” Sokka said, waving his hand dismissively. “She’s just plain crazy, that’s nobody’s fault!” Zuko shook his head for a moment before dropping it even lower, picking at his nails as he spoke.

“She wasn’t always like this. Nobody is like... _that_ naturally, I don’t think. I mean, she was just a normal little girl who liked dolls and had tea parties with the servants.”

Katara huffed. “We get it, you were rich.”

“That‘s not the point. What I’m getting at is that she was just normal until around when she turned three. That’s when she started bending, and bending _well_. Father had already decided I was too weak to be of much use to him, so he didn’t waste any time molding her in his image. He taught her that she could use fear and violence to get whatever she wanted. And he became exactly what he wanted her to be. Our own mother was scared of her. Hell, even Uncle doesn’t see much of anything in her. If I give up on her, there won’t be anyone left who cares about her.” 

“But you said she _terrorized_ you growing up!” Aang recalled with a frown. Beside him, Sokka appeared to be deep in thought.

“She did. She is a horrible person,” Zuko replied. He was surprised to feel tears pricking at the backs of his eyes. “I won’t deny that and I’ll never excuse any of the awful things she’s done. And believe me, I’d love to knock her down a few pegs. But I just think sometimes-“ His voice broke. “What if I could’ve helped her? She became this heartless… monster because it was the only way to survive in the palace. I did the same thing to keep myself going when I was banished. What if she was scared? If I’d been tougher, I could’ve helped her. Somehow I could’ve helped her.” By then, he spoke barely above a rough whisper, and he wondered if they can hear him at all.

“Do you really think you're _that_ responsible for the way she is now?” Katara pushed, but her tone wasn’t malicious- just curious. Concerned, even. “It doesn’t seem like there was much you could’ve done to stop your father from corrupting her.”

“I don’t know. I guess he would’ve fucked us both up anyways. And if I had been str- if he had thought I was stronger, he probably would’ve turned me into that same person that she is now. But after everything she’s done, I can’t find it in myself to hate her. I just feel sorry for her.” 

“It takes a lot to show that kind of forgiveness for someone who hurt you,” Aang declared, teary-eyed but beaming. Zuko stared down at his feet and tangled his own hands together with a deep frown. Aang gasped, ever the optimist. “Hey, and if you came around, I bet she can too!”

Zuko finally met his eyes, offering a weak smile to appease the kid. “Yeah… maybe.” There wasn’t a chance in the world that Azula would let go of the throne until it came crashing down on her; Zuko knew that. They all did. Still, he was exhausted, in no mood to put up any arguments. That seemed to be a common feeling, as everyone muttered their half-hearted agreements and let the matter rest. Even Katara reached over to pat him on the back gingerly. It was a strange thing, all these kids that he’d hurt, comforting him with murmured hopeful wishes for his homicidal sister. But then, his life seemed to be nothing but strange things lately.

Zuko trudged back to his tent after the fire began to die out. He’d planned on visiting Sokka’s to press him for information on his mother’s killer (Katara needed some _major_ catharsis), but that Talk had just been a little too draining. He hadn’t even registered how guilty he felt until he was there describing it to everyone. Right now all he really wanted to do is curl up and wait for sunrise. He pulled back the flap on his tent, ready to collapse.

There was already someone inside; Sokka sat cross-legged on Zuko’s bedroll, wearing the same intense look he’d had for much of their time at Boiling Rock. Zuko waited for him to speak first, keeping one hand on the still-open tent flap in case he had to duck out.

“Azula’s lucky to have you as a brother,” Sokka said, and Zuko waited for the punchline as he steps fully into the tent. It didn’t come. He was speaking in earnest. 

Zuko rolled his eyes, not sure whether to laugh at the idea or yell at him for saying something so stupid. “Oh yeah, she was _thrilled_ to see me earlier. 

“I never said she knows how lucky she is,” Sokka replied with a huff. He took a deep breath and tried it again. “I know it’s not the same with me and Katara, but I think I’d feel the same. Even if she was against me, I’d still do anything to keep her safe. The way she treated you, I don’t think you owe her that, but,” Zuko opened his mouth to object, but Sokka rushed into the next point. “But I do understand. I know that you think you’ve failed her, and that I don’t have all the details, but I honestly don’t know if there’s anything you could’ve done that would change the person she is today. It’s the fact that you still want to help her that says it all.” Standing up, he reached out to squeeze Zuko’s shoulder tightly and leaned in towards him so they were eye to eye. “You’re a good big brother, Zuko.”

Zuko turned away but didn’t move his friend’s hand off of his shoulder. The last thing he wanted right then was to start crying in front of Sokka- even though he knew there wasn’t anything shameful about expressing his feelings ( _thanks, Uncle_ ). So he bit down on his lip, scrunched up his eyes, and willed the tears to dissipate. For a while, they didn’t say anything else. There was nothing to say.

“Zuko?” He glanced over at Sokka, who was staring right back at him. His eyes are piercing, his brow furrowed. 

“Yeah?”

“I have to ask, when everything shakes out- I mean, we’re going to be up against her when Aang takes out your father.” Zuko hummed in affirmation. “I know you want to help your sister, but what if you have to-” It hung in the air, two short words too ghastly to say, but they both felt its weight nonetheless. “I need to know that you’re with us all the way. What are you willing to do to end this thing?”

He slammed his eyes shut again, suddenly feeling nauseous. In his mind he saw golden eyes, half-crazed with anger and disgust, but he could also see a head of soft black hair cradled against his chest. He felt deadly blue flames licking their way up his wrists, and a tiny hand, unbearably hot and clutched tightly in his own. 

“Whatever it takes.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you can't tell I have uhhh very strong feelings about Azula basically being raised as a weapon and then cast aside :'|  
> It means a lot to me when you guys leave comments (about anything!), and my tumblr is @mekammin if you wanna hit me up. Sorry if this one was a little heavy.


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